


green

by pceoul



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Dementors, F/F, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Era, Introspection, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Teacher Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 20:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18156689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pceoul/pseuds/pceoul
Summary: where she's trying to summon a patronus but is also very very gay for marienne





	green

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a college assignment which my teacher encouraged me to publish here- for which I'm really thankful, I don't think I would have had the motivation to do it otherwise; I don't think I would have written this in the first place if not for the prompt and the fact I had no choice but to do this🤭

She knew her fair share of spells. And she was also well aware of her own capabilities and proficiency. And yet, when it came to Expecto Patronum, she somehow just couldn’t get it right, no matter how hard she tried. Despite practicing f]or hours on end, all she could summon were wisps of smoke that dissipated into the air faster than a her caffeine-addled brain bouncing from one thought to the next.

 

It was to the point that she would feel her hands get clammy, her throat constricting and her breaths getting shorter and more erratic everytime she was expected to produce a Patronus. And this feeling- of breathlessness and panic, she often thought, was nothing short of encountering a Dementor itself. One of her friends Marienne, who was very into the Muggle world and its concepts, said what she had been experienced was clinically known as an anxiety attack(although it wasn’t a clinically recognised condition- go figure). Marienne was extremely invested in Mental Health in particular, and wanted to establish the practice of mind-healing in the wizarding community as a distinguished disciple.

 

Apparently, the Muggles had well-developed treatment practices directed towards mind healing. In the Wizarding world, these issues weren’t really acknowledged on a larger level. She had always been told her Great Aunt Gretchen was slightly off her rocker- she usually stayed holed up in her room, rarely talked to anyone, would stay up all night watching the moon and the stars because she claimed she couldn’t sleep and often had episodes of breakdowns where magic would burst out of her erratically. To make sure she didn’t harm herself or others, she was always kept mildly sedated to prevent her magic from exploding. Marienne says her Aunt Gretchen likely has some mental health issues- possibly depression. Upon asking, Marienne told me what depression really was. To her, it just sounded like a Dementor attack of some sorts- this depression disease.

 

Anyways, coming back to the point, she had even asked for help from professor Lupin, but after several hours of personal tutoring spent in vain, Lupin just told her to take a break from everything and relax. How was she supposed to relax when Hogwarts was surrounded by those damned dementors and there had already been reports of them preying on unsuspecting innocent students? How was she supposed to just take a break when her OWLs were coming up soon and she hadn’t even laid down a detailed study plan for the upcoming two months? Oh! And he also told her to look within herself and relax. Sounded like some Mindfulness mumbo jumbo Marienne was always talking her ear off about.

 

After an entire month of suffering from a state of extreme anxiety (in Marienne’s words), she finally decided to try out this reflection thing and after some insightful pointers from the expert herself, she went upto the Great Lake on a Wednesday evening upon finding it deserted and devoid of people. She laid down on the green, slightly wet grass, her long black hair spread on the grass forming a contrast with the emerald of the grass. It reminded her of Marienne’s eyes- a bright emerald interrupted in the center by the black of her pupil. She often found herself spaced out while looking at Marienne’s eyes- trying to identify all the gorgeous shades of green in them- and the tiny black mole that sat right beneath the corner of her left eye, drawing even more attention to the down curve of her almond shaped eyes. Don’t even get her started on Marienne’s bright ginger hair- it fell in subtle waves around her porcelain face, barely grazing past her shoulders. The ends of her hair used to sport a shade of blue that Marienne had impulsively charmed in last form, but she had come back with her hair chopped till her shoulders. She only _slightly_ missed the blue elegantly fading into the orange waves.

 

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and let herself fall into a state of peace and tranquility propagated by the rustle of fallen leaves and the hushed and faded sound of Mermish pervading her ears through the muffled silence. She let herself feel the slight breeze that carried to her the scent of pumpkin pasties that were probably being served in the Great Hall at this very moment. She exhaled slightly as the warmth of the setting sun enveloped her body as if a blanket. Little by little, she emptied her mind of the random tidbits of idle thoughts and tried to conjure memories of all the times she had felt truly happy. Marienne had said it didn’t matter if the moments were as small as a split second in which someone might have complimented the sea green stripes in her hair (Marienne’s courtesy) or if they encompassed an entire weekend spent at Hogsmeade- just doing nothing and everything all at once.

 

The biggest issue was that- she really genuinely honest to god didn’t know when she had truly felt happy, especially when she didn’t even know what happiness felt like in the first place. It was hard enough trying to waddle through a sea of emotions everyday and at the same time- trying to feel something, _anything._ Everything was too less and too much all at the same time. There was a numbness that was hard to shake off. So even when she did feel, it was hard for her to tell what she was feeling. She didn’t know why it mattered. Why couldn’t she just feel and not have to attribute a word to it. Trying to move away from these anxieties, she started to think about all the times she had felt happiness- or what she thought might have been happiness.

 

She was seven years old. She was running through a vast expanse of green, her hair that stopped just short of her chin flying into her face and she was giggling almost hysterically as someone- her mother chased her.

 

She was twelve and her eyes were wide with wonder as she stared at the new person  from behind the staircase. It was a boy- smaller than her. He must surely be a baby, she thought, he was so small. Her mom later said he was only two years younger than her. And he was her new brother. She had always wanted a sister. But it’s okay, she would make do with a brother. Their parents told them to shake hands but she went in straight for a hug. The baby was so squishy and adorable. She decided at that very first meeting that would never let any harm come to him. To her delight, Joshua preferred to keep his hair long and he was always up for a ‘braid each other’s hair and paint nails’ sleepover. She was only slightly envious of how good he was at painting nails, but it was okay, because he always liked to test his new designs on her before he perfected it on himself.

 

She was fifteen now, and the ends of her hair rested on her shoulder. She was running again, except the green was now straw-coloured and she wasn’t giggling but there was a bright fond smile on her face as she reached a swing set and looked at someone- Marienne- running towards her. There was a split second before she realized what was happening and the smile on her face was replaced by exasperated laughter as Marienne, who had launched herself on her, collapsed into her arms and they stumbled to the ground, rolling down the small elevation upon which the swing set rested. After two seconds of shock from the tumble-down, they both looked at each other, hair covered in dry leaves and eyes sparkling brighter than the light of the sun through the stars at night, and burst out into giggles.

 

There was a residual smile on her face- slight as the waning moon but it was there. She supposed she had been thinking too much, weighing moments against each other, trying to decide when she had felt the happiest when she could just think of them all. And she did. And she couldn’t help but smile giddily as she watched the cat do somersaults in the air, running around her - almost as if it was calling her to play with her.

 

She ran towards Professor Lupin’s office- she couldn’t wait to tell him. But right around the corner, she turned and ran towards the Ravenclaw dormitories. Professor Lupin would have to wait, she _simply_ couldn’t wait to share this with Marienne.

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://pin.it/yxgtwi32bpwq4l (the link for the pinterest board)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! the fic is titled green because I was too lazy to come up with a title and it's the colour of Marienne's eyes
> 
> also here's the link for the pinterest board : https://pin.it/qz2hd2k4rsqe2n


End file.
